Children with new Christmas bicycles
Riding in the filtered sunlight
Some with training wheels
Some with a bigger size
All concentrating on the curving pathways.

Is there really such a thing as a 'good' cry?

While I was changing the oil in my car, another neighbor dropped by with homemade treats and a gift. The treats were dried fruits dipped in chocolate. Very good. I know because I had them after dinner. The gift will wait until Christmas. That's so I'll have something to open that day. If the gift's half as good as the hug I received...... That hug really meant a lot.

Two different neighbors stopped by today with homemade cookies and candies. I feel blessed to have such nice people close by, especially this time of year.

A nice lady friend who's also a former co-worker bought me lunch today. She said it was her turn since I bought last time. We had a nice long visit, but she eventually had to go back to work. As I was dropping her off at her office, I reminded her that next time would be my turn to buy. She was quick to agree. No arm twisting needed there!

The same friend and former co-worker I mentioned last Weds (who lives 4 hours away) informed me this morning her mother had passed away. The funeral was over the weekend in New Mexico. I sent her a Hallmark e-card. Wish I was there in person to give her a hug. She could really use one.

I had to take the birdfeeder down indefinitely. The black hulls of the sunflower seeds in the mix we used a long time ago killed the turf grass so we switched over to the hulled mix. It was 2.99 per 7 pound bag at our local supplier earlier this year. We'd go through a bag a week.

Then the supplier had the 'great' idea of a store 'club' card (like too many other places) and raised the price to 5.49. That's when we cut our consumption in half, even though using the card saved us *30 cents* (and they were proud to tell us that, yet ignored the death ray look I gave them). They raised the price again, did away with the club card discount so we were down to 1 bag every three weeks. I stopped in there the other day and the price is now 7.99/bag. I left it on the shelf. I cannot justify that much of an increase in less than a year especially when the doves and squirrels would clean out the feeder in 4 days. I hope no one buys that stuff. Maybe the store will get the point. Do they think everyone got 150% pay raise this year? The price of gas went up, sure, but this is ridiculous.

A nice day for a walk along the beach. Clear skies, few high clouds, slight breeze. Listening to Phil Collins and Fleetwood Mac. Now if I just had a beach to walk along.... Had to contend myself with looking at the fiery leaves on the sumacs, spanish oaks and bradford pears.

I needed that walk because I hadn't been in forever and because I'd dreamed of Lori last night. She was in the emergency room. I could feel her hand give mine a squeeze as she lost consciousness.

A former co-worker of mine emailed me today. She was very upset. Apparently her mother's in real bad shape and my friend had been told to expect 'the call' at anytime. She's been trying to stay busy doing Christmasy things in order to hang onto some sort of sanity. I felt bad because she lives about 4 hours away and I couldn't give her a hug. I tried the next best thing - an email hug..... ((o)). I also emailed her a Hallmark card. Yes, I know. The warmth and coziness of technology.... sigh.

I went to see the latest Harry Potter film yesterday. Alone. I bought a medium sized bag of popcorn and it was way too much to eat. No one to share it with. There were maybe 10 of us in the theater.

I came across a box of Christmas cards in the closet the other day. It was a box Lori bought last year. She never got around to addressing them because she broke her leg. In all the mania, we completely forgot about them. She remembered long after Christmas was over. She said, "Oh well, they'll still be good next year." Actually not. I'm hoping everyone will understand why I won't be sending them out this year.

I just got back from a very difficult mission. I'd been asked to be one of the judges for this year's Christmas light displays in our neighborhood. It involves some 600 homes. This is the first year I went looking at displays alone. It got to be too much and I came home. I'll have to try again tomorrow. This is so hard - and not because of the competition.

I spent a couple hours this afternoon clearing out dead stuff from the last freeze and putting it in the compost. Last winter Lori had to show me what needed to be done because she was in a wheelchair. I guess I'm not very good with this plant stuff.

I just spoke with my dad. I'd been sick most of the week and hadn't heard the news. He'd experienced paralysis in his right leg and called his doctor who ordered an MRI. The doctor feared my dad's brain tumor was back. It wasn't, but he'd suffered a mini-stroke.

In the mail today I received a little booklet from the funeral home on dealing with the loss of a loved one over the holidays.

One year ago she lay in a hospital bed. Her right femur had been put back together with a titanium rod. It was the same procedure used on senior patients whose hip had broken due to calcium loss. Her femur had given up its calcium as food to the hungry melanoma tumor. We had no idea, then, if she'd be home for Christmas. I spent hours and hours there with her.

A pretty rough day. It was exactly one year ago today that she broke her leg. All she wanted to do was look at a rose bush. She said later even childbirth wasn't as painful. So unfair.

Including the bride and groom, there were about a dozen people at the ceremony I was asked to photograph. It took place in the backyard and the weather was very warm. If I remember, the judge who performed the ceremony was the same one who performs ceremonies for free on Valentine's Day every year.

I took about 3 dozen pictures and copied them off my flashcard onto the bride's computer. I told her that if there's any she'd like printed out, to let me know. I'll crop and enlarge any way she wants. She was very happy. She's in her 50's and has been battling cancer for some time now. I wish them the best.

I dreamed of Lori again last night. We were in the doctor's examination room waiting on her oncologist. It wasn't the normal examination room. Much larger with furniture like a studio apartment. We were in great spirits, kidding around with one another.

Then the oncologist came in with the latest test results. Before he gave us the news, he asked me about our financial situation. It wasn't good. We all knew the insurance had run out. He said the Cancer Center was balking at continuing treatment because of our inability to pay. That's when he told us the disease had spread to her uterus. Our world came crashing down in an instant and I woke up. That was about all the sleep I got last night.

(For the record - her cancer never spread to her uterus, but near the end he had found spots on her lungs.)

I feel that after she slipped away in the early morning hours on that most horrible day, she went down one path and I continued down another. With each passing day, I feel our paths are growing steadily further and further apart. I want so much for our paths to cross again and never diverge, but I don't think that will ever happen. I've never had such a hopeless feeling.

I'm probably the only person who can cut themselves shaving with an electric shaver.

One good thing about her was that she laughed at my weird off-the-wall jokes. Sometimes it took a minute for her to figure them out. I always tried to stay a step or two ahead of her, but it wasn't always easy. Often she would beat me to the punchline.

I remember one joke I made about a rose bush she'd planted. She complained that it was sending vines 15 feet up the wall of our home. Much too high, she thought. I made the suggestion that she should've bought an Australian rose bush. She didn't get the joke until I explained the vines on an Australian rose bush would grow the other way - 'down under'. She got in my face and asked 'Why do I even bother to listening to you?'

It was that bush she was admiring on a lovely day last December when she turned and broke her cancer weakened leg. This Sunday, the 4th, will be the 12 month anniversary of that horrible day. Exactly 3 weeks before Christmas. I don't know I'll ever be lucky enough to find someone who'll appreciate my humor as much as she did.

I've been invited to a wedding tomorrow. I was asked to be the photographer. I'm extremely honored that someone would think so highly of my photographic skills, enough to want me to record their special day. I sure hope I can focus on the task at hand and not let them down. People photos - especially weddings are not my specialty. It's to be outdoors and the weather should be nice.