Someone I've never met has a friend who posted my blog site on her blog. I'm flattered. She's pretty famous. I remember hearing of her in the news. Now she's writing a book. I envy that. For years I've wanted to write. Go read her story: http://queenofsky.journalspace.com/


The someone who passed along my blog site is pretty famous too. She's a columnist for a local newspaper. She's someone worth listening to. http://candidlycaroline.blogspot.com/

I did something for myself today. I guess it could be called an early Christmas present. I ordered "The Complete Calvin and Hobbes". It's a 3 volume set containing over 1400 pages of Bill Watterson's comic strip "Calvin and Hobbes". A strip that lasted an all too brief 10 years. A strip that hasn't been in newspapers for 10 years. One that I miss. The set weighs over 22 pounds.

I saw a lot of people putting up Christmas decorations on my street today. I was asked if I was going to put up lights this year?
No.
No lights.
No tree.
Nothing.
Not even a stocking.
Too much pain.

In the middle of the night last night, for the first time since her passing, Lori spoke to me. It was too brief. She said everything's going to be all right. That's what she said. Nothing else. I woke up looking for her. I tried to get her to come back and talk some more. No luck. She was gone.

Thanksgiving weekend. Christmas is exactly one month away. I feel completely and utterly alone. I am so tired. I'm rudderless. I sit in front of the tv, but it's just brief escapism. Every now and then a neighbor will see me sitting on the park bench out front and say hi. I put on a brave face for their children's sake. The young ones don't need to be exposed to this. Their innocence is something to be treasured.

There's something about the chemical makeup of jalapenos that causes me to have vivid dreams. Last night I dreamed I was in a small town somewhere near some mountains involved with the construction of my home. The workers were out of caulking so I volunteered to go down to the local hardware store to get more.

A very shorthaired, very blonde woman in her late 20's wanted to come with me. We were friends. She was 3 months pregnant and her husband wasn't around much because of his job or something. I had to clear stuff out of the passenger seat of my car. She was impressed with the car I drove.

We got on the road headed into town to the hardware store when she began to have discomfort. That's all. Not much pain. She was bleeding. She wasn't worried about the baby, but didn't want to make a mess. I stopped at a shopping center where the road ended. In the center was a maternity facility. The center was one block over from the hardware store.

I helped her out of the car, up the steps and into the facility where a nurse helped her into a wheelchair and took her into an examination room. My friend was blissfully calm and trusting. She was so naive. The waiting room was full of people. One of them was a guy who recognized me from somewhere, like maybe he'd seen me on television or something because he didn't really know me. He assumed the baby was mine. It was important to him that he acted like we were good friends in front of everyone else in the room. I was pacing back and forth. Even though my friend was unaware of what was happening to her, I knew. I knew the baby was in serious trouble and wasn't going to make it. I also knew the baby's father didn't really care and that was heartbreaking. That's when I woke up. My waking prevented me from being there to take her home afterwards.

The days blur from one to the next, each passing by in a fog. I see and talk to Lori. We do things together, share experiences and have fun. Then.... I wake up. It was nothing more than a dream. The real world and the pain that comes with it, return. I yearn to return to slumber so that I may see her again, but sleep is such a rarity.

She liked the promotions a local grocery would have every week. Buy an item or two and get several items thrown in for free. This week the item was a turkey. I was there this morning. She whispered in my ear - 'Buy a turkey. Thanksgiving is coming.' But I couldn't. I just couldn't. I don't know what I'll do this year. I'm finding it hard to have anything for which to give thanks.

I recently surrounded the big oak out front with over 100 pansies in order to have some color for the winter months. I hope I can keep them alive. It was an emotional struggle for me to do plant them. I kept remembering our first year here. She planted those same flowers. Pastel colors. She complained when the pillbugs ate the leaves so I would sprinkle stuff to keep the pillbugs away. Last year the flowers didn't get planted because we were concentrating too much on her treatments.

A few weeks ago I traveled to the southwestern part of Colorado for the fall foliage. My intent was to spend a week there taking as many photos as I could. I ended up taking about 300 photos.

While I was there, I rode the Durango/Silverton Fall Photographer's Special train. I met a couple my age from Denver. He's a photographer and she's a defense attorney. They asked if I was married? I told them Lori's story and the fact that this was my first trip alone. They were very kind and understanding. We talked the whole trip, which took all day. Those two really made my trip to Colorado bearable and I thanked them when we parted ways.

Every year they host the Ouray Jeep Jamboree in August. It's an outing that happens over a long weekend where participants go 4-wheeling together. They invited me up next August.. I may just take them up on it.

On my trip I carried Lori's picture in my wallet. I guess in a way I wasn't really alone, but I sure wish she'd been there in person. That's her photo on the right. It was taken back in 2001 at the Grand Canyon. We'd never been there. We hiked a little ways down the Bright Angel trail and this shot was taken on the way back up while she caught her breath. That's why she looks a little tired. We hiked the equivalent of down, then up a 110 story building that morning. The visit to the Grand Canyon was one of the few trips we were able to take while we were together.

The weather turned bad the day before I was scheduled to leave Durango, so I came home a day early. The photos I took will become part of my collection that I'll be selling on my soon-to-be webstore.

A few days after my birthday, the doorbell rang. It was a neighbor with a birthday gift. She's been battling cancer for years. She's also a plant lover like my wife was and Lori's death hit her pretty hard. Her gift and hug really made my day. She gave me a Cosmix to hang in the yard. It didn't take me long to find a spot for it.

I recently celebrated a birthday. Like most days, I spent it alone. I got a card from my dad and a card from my brother and his family. I took myself to a movie and to dinner. I saw 'Just Like Heaven' starring Reese Witherspoon and Mark Ruffalo. Probably not a good choice considering the character played by Mark had been married to someone name 'Laura'. I thought it hit too close to home.

I bought a couple of gifts for myself, a set of wine glasses and a wine bottle opener. I hope to learn about wines. It was not a good day for me.

A lot of trick-or-treaters came by Monday night. I usually sit out on the drive by the sidewalk with a sack of candy to hand out. This year I only bought about half what I normally buy. At the time, I wasn't sure if I would be able to do this emotionally. I think about 75 kids came by. Kind neighbors who know me stopped to say they were glad to see me out doing this. A little more than an hour later, I'd run out of candy and emotional well-being so I folded up my chair, came inside and turned out the lights. I needed to get ready for bed anyway. My workday typically begins at 2am.