Children with new Christmas bicycles
Riding in the filtered sunlight
Some with training wheels
Some with a bigger size
All concentrating on the curving pathways.

Is there really such a thing as a 'good' cry?

While I was changing the oil in my car, another neighbor dropped by with homemade treats and a gift. The treats were dried fruits dipped in chocolate. Very good. I know because I had them after dinner. The gift will wait until Christmas. That's so I'll have something to open that day. If the gift's half as good as the hug I received...... That hug really meant a lot.

Two different neighbors stopped by today with homemade cookies and candies. I feel blessed to have such nice people close by, especially this time of year.

A nice lady friend who's also a former co-worker bought me lunch today. She said it was her turn since I bought last time. We had a nice long visit, but she eventually had to go back to work. As I was dropping her off at her office, I reminded her that next time would be my turn to buy. She was quick to agree. No arm twisting needed there!

The same friend and former co-worker I mentioned last Weds (who lives 4 hours away) informed me this morning her mother had passed away. The funeral was over the weekend in New Mexico. I sent her a Hallmark e-card. Wish I was there in person to give her a hug. She could really use one.

I had to take the birdfeeder down indefinitely. The black hulls of the sunflower seeds in the mix we used a long time ago killed the turf grass so we switched over to the hulled mix. It was 2.99 per 7 pound bag at our local supplier earlier this year. We'd go through a bag a week.

Then the supplier had the 'great' idea of a store 'club' card (like too many other places) and raised the price to 5.49. That's when we cut our consumption in half, even though using the card saved us *30 cents* (and they were proud to tell us that, yet ignored the death ray look I gave them). They raised the price again, did away with the club card discount so we were down to 1 bag every three weeks. I stopped in there the other day and the price is now 7.99/bag. I left it on the shelf. I cannot justify that much of an increase in less than a year especially when the doves and squirrels would clean out the feeder in 4 days. I hope no one buys that stuff. Maybe the store will get the point. Do they think everyone got 150% pay raise this year? The price of gas went up, sure, but this is ridiculous.

A nice day for a walk along the beach. Clear skies, few high clouds, slight breeze. Listening to Phil Collins and Fleetwood Mac. Now if I just had a beach to walk along.... Had to contend myself with looking at the fiery leaves on the sumacs, spanish oaks and bradford pears.

I needed that walk because I hadn't been in forever and because I'd dreamed of Lori last night. She was in the emergency room. I could feel her hand give mine a squeeze as she lost consciousness.

A former co-worker of mine emailed me today. She was very upset. Apparently her mother's in real bad shape and my friend had been told to expect 'the call' at anytime. She's been trying to stay busy doing Christmasy things in order to hang onto some sort of sanity. I felt bad because she lives about 4 hours away and I couldn't give her a hug. I tried the next best thing - an email hug..... ((o)). I also emailed her a Hallmark card. Yes, I know. The warmth and coziness of technology.... sigh.

I went to see the latest Harry Potter film yesterday. Alone. I bought a medium sized bag of popcorn and it was way too much to eat. No one to share it with. There were maybe 10 of us in the theater.

I came across a box of Christmas cards in the closet the other day. It was a box Lori bought last year. She never got around to addressing them because she broke her leg. In all the mania, we completely forgot about them. She remembered long after Christmas was over. She said, "Oh well, they'll still be good next year." Actually not. I'm hoping everyone will understand why I won't be sending them out this year.

I just got back from a very difficult mission. I'd been asked to be one of the judges for this year's Christmas light displays in our neighborhood. It involves some 600 homes. This is the first year I went looking at displays alone. It got to be too much and I came home. I'll have to try again tomorrow. This is so hard - and not because of the competition.

I spent a couple hours this afternoon clearing out dead stuff from the last freeze and putting it in the compost. Last winter Lori had to show me what needed to be done because she was in a wheelchair. I guess I'm not very good with this plant stuff.

I just spoke with my dad. I'd been sick most of the week and hadn't heard the news. He'd experienced paralysis in his right leg and called his doctor who ordered an MRI. The doctor feared my dad's brain tumor was back. It wasn't, but he'd suffered a mini-stroke.

In the mail today I received a little booklet from the funeral home on dealing with the loss of a loved one over the holidays.

One year ago she lay in a hospital bed. Her right femur had been put back together with a titanium rod. It was the same procedure used on senior patients whose hip had broken due to calcium loss. Her femur had given up its calcium as food to the hungry melanoma tumor. We had no idea, then, if she'd be home for Christmas. I spent hours and hours there with her.

A pretty rough day. It was exactly one year ago today that she broke her leg. All she wanted to do was look at a rose bush. She said later even childbirth wasn't as painful. So unfair.

Including the bride and groom, there were about a dozen people at the ceremony I was asked to photograph. It took place in the backyard and the weather was very warm. If I remember, the judge who performed the ceremony was the same one who performs ceremonies for free on Valentine's Day every year.

I took about 3 dozen pictures and copied them off my flashcard onto the bride's computer. I told her that if there's any she'd like printed out, to let me know. I'll crop and enlarge any way she wants. She was very happy. She's in her 50's and has been battling cancer for some time now. I wish them the best.

I dreamed of Lori again last night. We were in the doctor's examination room waiting on her oncologist. It wasn't the normal examination room. Much larger with furniture like a studio apartment. We were in great spirits, kidding around with one another.

Then the oncologist came in with the latest test results. Before he gave us the news, he asked me about our financial situation. It wasn't good. We all knew the insurance had run out. He said the Cancer Center was balking at continuing treatment because of our inability to pay. That's when he told us the disease had spread to her uterus. Our world came crashing down in an instant and I woke up. That was about all the sleep I got last night.

(For the record - her cancer never spread to her uterus, but near the end he had found spots on her lungs.)

I feel that after she slipped away in the early morning hours on that most horrible day, she went down one path and I continued down another. With each passing day, I feel our paths are growing steadily further and further apart. I want so much for our paths to cross again and never diverge, but I don't think that will ever happen. I've never had such a hopeless feeling.

I'm probably the only person who can cut themselves shaving with an electric shaver.

One good thing about her was that she laughed at my weird off-the-wall jokes. Sometimes it took a minute for her to figure them out. I always tried to stay a step or two ahead of her, but it wasn't always easy. Often she would beat me to the punchline.

I remember one joke I made about a rose bush she'd planted. She complained that it was sending vines 15 feet up the wall of our home. Much too high, she thought. I made the suggestion that she should've bought an Australian rose bush. She didn't get the joke until I explained the vines on an Australian rose bush would grow the other way - 'down under'. She got in my face and asked 'Why do I even bother to listening to you?'

It was that bush she was admiring on a lovely day last December when she turned and broke her cancer weakened leg. This Sunday, the 4th, will be the 12 month anniversary of that horrible day. Exactly 3 weeks before Christmas. I don't know I'll ever be lucky enough to find someone who'll appreciate my humor as much as she did.

I've been invited to a wedding tomorrow. I was asked to be the photographer. I'm extremely honored that someone would think so highly of my photographic skills, enough to want me to record their special day. I sure hope I can focus on the task at hand and not let them down. People photos - especially weddings are not my specialty. It's to be outdoors and the weather should be nice.

Someone I've never met has a friend who posted my blog site on her blog. I'm flattered. She's pretty famous. I remember hearing of her in the news. Now she's writing a book. I envy that. For years I've wanted to write. Go read her story: http://queenofsky.journalspace.com/


The someone who passed along my blog site is pretty famous too. She's a columnist for a local newspaper. She's someone worth listening to. http://candidlycaroline.blogspot.com/

I did something for myself today. I guess it could be called an early Christmas present. I ordered "The Complete Calvin and Hobbes". It's a 3 volume set containing over 1400 pages of Bill Watterson's comic strip "Calvin and Hobbes". A strip that lasted an all too brief 10 years. A strip that hasn't been in newspapers for 10 years. One that I miss. The set weighs over 22 pounds.

I saw a lot of people putting up Christmas decorations on my street today. I was asked if I was going to put up lights this year?
No.
No lights.
No tree.
Nothing.
Not even a stocking.
Too much pain.

In the middle of the night last night, for the first time since her passing, Lori spoke to me. It was too brief. She said everything's going to be all right. That's what she said. Nothing else. I woke up looking for her. I tried to get her to come back and talk some more. No luck. She was gone.

Thanksgiving weekend. Christmas is exactly one month away. I feel completely and utterly alone. I am so tired. I'm rudderless. I sit in front of the tv, but it's just brief escapism. Every now and then a neighbor will see me sitting on the park bench out front and say hi. I put on a brave face for their children's sake. The young ones don't need to be exposed to this. Their innocence is something to be treasured.

There's something about the chemical makeup of jalapenos that causes me to have vivid dreams. Last night I dreamed I was in a small town somewhere near some mountains involved with the construction of my home. The workers were out of caulking so I volunteered to go down to the local hardware store to get more.

A very shorthaired, very blonde woman in her late 20's wanted to come with me. We were friends. She was 3 months pregnant and her husband wasn't around much because of his job or something. I had to clear stuff out of the passenger seat of my car. She was impressed with the car I drove.

We got on the road headed into town to the hardware store when she began to have discomfort. That's all. Not much pain. She was bleeding. She wasn't worried about the baby, but didn't want to make a mess. I stopped at a shopping center where the road ended. In the center was a maternity facility. The center was one block over from the hardware store.

I helped her out of the car, up the steps and into the facility where a nurse helped her into a wheelchair and took her into an examination room. My friend was blissfully calm and trusting. She was so naive. The waiting room was full of people. One of them was a guy who recognized me from somewhere, like maybe he'd seen me on television or something because he didn't really know me. He assumed the baby was mine. It was important to him that he acted like we were good friends in front of everyone else in the room. I was pacing back and forth. Even though my friend was unaware of what was happening to her, I knew. I knew the baby was in serious trouble and wasn't going to make it. I also knew the baby's father didn't really care and that was heartbreaking. That's when I woke up. My waking prevented me from being there to take her home afterwards.

The days blur from one to the next, each passing by in a fog. I see and talk to Lori. We do things together, share experiences and have fun. Then.... I wake up. It was nothing more than a dream. The real world and the pain that comes with it, return. I yearn to return to slumber so that I may see her again, but sleep is such a rarity.

She liked the promotions a local grocery would have every week. Buy an item or two and get several items thrown in for free. This week the item was a turkey. I was there this morning. She whispered in my ear - 'Buy a turkey. Thanksgiving is coming.' But I couldn't. I just couldn't. I don't know what I'll do this year. I'm finding it hard to have anything for which to give thanks.

I recently surrounded the big oak out front with over 100 pansies in order to have some color for the winter months. I hope I can keep them alive. It was an emotional struggle for me to do plant them. I kept remembering our first year here. She planted those same flowers. Pastel colors. She complained when the pillbugs ate the leaves so I would sprinkle stuff to keep the pillbugs away. Last year the flowers didn't get planted because we were concentrating too much on her treatments.

A few weeks ago I traveled to the southwestern part of Colorado for the fall foliage. My intent was to spend a week there taking as many photos as I could. I ended up taking about 300 photos.

While I was there, I rode the Durango/Silverton Fall Photographer's Special train. I met a couple my age from Denver. He's a photographer and she's a defense attorney. They asked if I was married? I told them Lori's story and the fact that this was my first trip alone. They were very kind and understanding. We talked the whole trip, which took all day. Those two really made my trip to Colorado bearable and I thanked them when we parted ways.

Every year they host the Ouray Jeep Jamboree in August. It's an outing that happens over a long weekend where participants go 4-wheeling together. They invited me up next August.. I may just take them up on it.

On my trip I carried Lori's picture in my wallet. I guess in a way I wasn't really alone, but I sure wish she'd been there in person. That's her photo on the right. It was taken back in 2001 at the Grand Canyon. We'd never been there. We hiked a little ways down the Bright Angel trail and this shot was taken on the way back up while she caught her breath. That's why she looks a little tired. We hiked the equivalent of down, then up a 110 story building that morning. The visit to the Grand Canyon was one of the few trips we were able to take while we were together.

The weather turned bad the day before I was scheduled to leave Durango, so I came home a day early. The photos I took will become part of my collection that I'll be selling on my soon-to-be webstore.

A few days after my birthday, the doorbell rang. It was a neighbor with a birthday gift. She's been battling cancer for years. She's also a plant lover like my wife was and Lori's death hit her pretty hard. Her gift and hug really made my day. She gave me a Cosmix to hang in the yard. It didn't take me long to find a spot for it.

I recently celebrated a birthday. Like most days, I spent it alone. I got a card from my dad and a card from my brother and his family. I took myself to a movie and to dinner. I saw 'Just Like Heaven' starring Reese Witherspoon and Mark Ruffalo. Probably not a good choice considering the character played by Mark had been married to someone name 'Laura'. I thought it hit too close to home.

I bought a couple of gifts for myself, a set of wine glasses and a wine bottle opener. I hope to learn about wines. It was not a good day for me.

A lot of trick-or-treaters came by Monday night. I usually sit out on the drive by the sidewalk with a sack of candy to hand out. This year I only bought about half what I normally buy. At the time, I wasn't sure if I would be able to do this emotionally. I think about 75 kids came by. Kind neighbors who know me stopped to say they were glad to see me out doing this. A little more than an hour later, I'd run out of candy and emotional well-being so I folded up my chair, came inside and turned out the lights. I needed to get ready for bed anyway. My workday typically begins at 2am.

Today's my mom's birthday. She passed away over 3 years ago. Colon cancer. In a way, her passing's the reason we found out about Lori's melanoma.

About a year after my mom's death, my dad asked us if we wanted her old treadmill? I asked Lori and she did. We went over there to pick it up. Once we got home, we brought it inside and up the stairs. She was ahead of me so I'd have the bulk of the weight riding on me.

At the top of the landing, there's a 180 degree turn and the treadmill slipped out of my hands. Lori tried to keep control so it wouldn't do any damage, but I saw her grimace. She didn't say anything. We went ahead and put the treadmill where she wanted it.

A few days later, she complained that something didn't feel right whenever she tried to raise her right arm. She made an appointment with her doctor and I went along. He called for an xray.

The xray tech discovered her collarbone was broken, but it didn't look like a normal break so he brought in an expert. The bone around the break looked 'moth eaten'.

Bloodwork didn't determine anything. Finally it was determined that a biopsy of the lymph node above the left kidney was needed. My dad was in the hospital for a brain tumor when we got the results of the biopsy. Melanoma. It had weakened the collarbone.

About 13 years prior to that, Lori noticed a spot on her leg that didn't look right. She had her dermatologist remove and biopsy it, even though it was perfectly round and all one pink color. It came back positive for malignant melanoma.

I got the call at home. She was working as a horticulturist out on the road. I was able to track her down and give her the news. The dermatologist went back in and took a chunk out of her leg. Lori was worried about scarring. He did the best he could. He said he got it all.

With this new news, we wondered if he'd really gotten it all those years ago? Several options were discussed. We talked with an expert in San Antonio. M.D. Anderson was mentioned. Our options were limited because the insurance had run out.

We were able to get the cancer drug manufacturer to donate the cost of the drug and negotiated a 50% discount pay-as-you-go with the cancer center to administer the drug and do the bloodwork. She had to get daily injections for 4 weeks last fall. Then 3 weeks off and another 4 weeks on. I was there for every injection, every zap of radiation, every xray and every c/t scan.

In the middle of the second session, she complained that her right leg didn't feel right. A c/t scan discovered a severe thinning of her femur. The radiologist told her it was so weak, that if she twisted it while weight was on it, the leg could break. Hopefully several sessions of radiation would kill the tumor and allow the bone to regrow.

The 3rd Saturday before last Christmas, I was out at my dad's checking on his health when my cellphone rang. Lori had stepped out into the backyard to look at a rose bush. The uneven ground caused her to twist that leg and it broke. She called me with the cordless phone she'd taken outside with her.

I hurried home as fast as I could. I took one look and knew I needed to call for an ambulance. They got here quick. I followed them to the hospital where they put her leg in traction so the muscles wouldn't bunch up putting the bone at a bad angle.

The next day she had surgery to have a titanium rod inserted. The same procedure done to elderly patients when they break a hip. She was in the hospital for a week, then moved to a rehab facility halfway across town for 2 more weeks. We had no money to cover this. (The hospital ended up waiving the fees. We were notified by letter the Friday before she passed away).

While she was in the hospital, she couldn't hardly eat and lost 40% of her body weight. I kept begging her to eat so she could keep her strength up. They released her right before Christmas. She just had a little time to buy some gifts. She was in a wheelchair that was donated. With medical bills over 20,000 dollars and a lot of it on credit cards, we didn't have much of a Christmas.

After Christmas, she began physical therapy. It was a new year and a new insurance policy. Things were looking up. Her sessions took place in an indoor pool. She was eating again, gaining weight and getting some strength back. The night after her 4th session, however, she became very ill with flu like symptoms. She lost all the weight she'd gained back.

It was a big setback for her. We had to postpone all her appointments while she recovered. Once she recovered enough, we rescheduled her appointment with her oncologist. A c/t scan had revealed 'microscopic' spots on her lungs. Another blow. I could tell by the look on her face she was devastated. He wanted her to gain her weight back so she could begin fighting this new development.

She never did fully recover from the flu and 3 weeks later, I lost her forever.

The days are quickly turning shorter and the nights are getting longer. I don't like the night. It was after sundown last March when I had to call for an ambulance for the last time. Just two days after our 15th wedding anniversary. Everyday when the sun goes down, I think back to that night.

It was the sun that killed her. Melanoma. As much as I hate the night, it's the sun that no longer brightens my day. People tell me things will get better. It must be true. It's been almost 8 months and I only cry seven days/week now.

When she was diagnosed last year, people told us next year things would be better. I wish that were so. She was my best friend.

The Friday before our anniversary, the doctor wanted her to come in for some bloodwork. Afterwards I did not drive the usual way back home. She wanted to know where we were going? I told her she would see.

I took her to a garden nursery. One we had never visited. She was amazing with plants. She had turned our yard into paradise. I knew the nursery visit had to be a short one because she hadn't been out of a wheelchair long. She had broken a leg weak from the cancer last December and her stamina hadn't come back.

She'd been wanting some windchimes so the visit the nursery was so she could pick out just the right ones. After she decided on which ones to get, the nursery worker told me how much they were - almost 100 dollars. My wife said that was too much money to spend on her. Her disease had cost us thousands of dollars because the insurance had run out. I disagreed with her and paid for them.

On our anniversary, I went to her bedside with the chimes, a card, a dozen yellow roses (her favorite, even though like her, they didn't last long enough) and a heart shaped mylar balloon that read 'Love Grows'. She had lost track of the days and thought our annivesary wasn't until the next day.

She'd ordered a cake for us, but was too sick to pick it up, so I offered. She wanted me to bring her purse to her, but I blurted out that I would pay for it. She got this very hurt look on her face. I could kick myself for denying her the pleasure of paying for the cake herself. She was too ill to eat it and after she passed away, so was I.

I didn't hang up the windchimes after I gave them to her because I wanted her to be well enough to come outside when I hung them. That never happened. It took me two months to bring myself to do so. As soon as I did, the flapper started blowing in the breeze causing the chimes to make their music. I'd like to think it was her talking to me. At least that's what I told everyone who came by in the weeks following the funeral.

For the longest time, I had looked forward to helping her celebrate her 50th birthday because she was going to reach it before me. She would've reached that milestone this past August. I couldn't even bring myself to visit the cemetary that day.

I'm creating this blog because I was inspired by another blogger. She's a columnist for a local newspaper. I'm hoping my posts will help me cope. More to come in the weeks ahead. That's the plan, but I now know the frailty of plans all too well.